Monday, February 27, 2006

Growing pains...

I'm in a very muddled state of mind at the moment. The reasons are many, but I think it's important for me to try to explain what has led up to my current cloudiness.

As a human being, I am the only one who can be fully responsible for my emotions, the way I deal with them, and the methods that I choose to interact with other human beings. As a personal rule, I have a very guarded heart. I operate better in small groups of friends rather than an expansive list of acquaintances. The blogosphere has sort of changed that for me, though. I've become better at seeing the value in strangers, and to feel a bond with our common humanity, that I used to completely ignore or avoid due to my comfort zone levels. I've read enough threads and flamewars to appreciate that behind every keyboard is a real human being with real human emotions.

My befuddlement started when I allowed myself to feel safe. I didn't recognize it until that safety was shaken up for reasons not important to the current message. As things have continued to be shaken over the past days, I've noticed something flowing underneath all of it: growth.

It has been painful, disconcerting and tinged with a hint of resentment that I find myself here at this moment, writing words that will never scratch the surface of what I'm feeling.

I fear that I am currently dealing with one of my worst nightmares: the fact that I have allowed the world to know exactly what has been in my heart and it has been mishandled. I feel vulnerable and the natural reaction is to second-guess my actions but I am trying not to do that.

I know that my truth has the potential to (and more than likely has) hurt others. It is always a risk when making a decision that you won't sugarcoat what is in your heart. But that's the thing, it is my truth. And I can perfectly understand a situation where different people can view different truths in the exact same moment, viewing the exact same scenario.

So now what? Do I try to undo the past? If anyone knows how to do that, then please drop me an email at the address listed to the right. I have yet to meet anyone in the annals of history who has mastered that skill....

...or do I just let be what has happened and hope that there will be growth from all directions and an honest attempt to not only acknowledge my truth, but to understand why it was such.

It is easy to make things about arguments and debate in forums like this. It is much more difficult to incorporate the infinitely complex reality of emotions that comes with our humanity when engaging here or within other groups of people.

I am willing to challenge myself enough to recognize that I may have been profound or profoundly full of shit over the past several days, either way I am growing. And that's what matters the most to me.


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